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Student Composition:
My Dream , My World

I often dream the same dream: I am driving together with my mother on a (1) stretched straight path . The birds are singing and (2) playing around the car, the flowers are (3) opening (4) richly (5) which decorate the land. The breeze is flirting with (6) our hair, my long, black waterfall and my mother’s short gray hair.

This is a lovely dream from which I never want to wake up. (7) Pu Shu also has a dream, “ Gently you passed, like a gust of wind . The instant you touched me I suddenly want to go far far away, to see the colorful world with you.” We have different dreams but meanwhile we have the same carrier to (8) carry our dreams. (9) That is “car”. You may say I am (10) desperately want a car to fulfill my dream , (11) as a matter of fact ,you are wrong ,because I do have a car , the best car in the world, (12) whose brand is not “Lincoln ”, not “Mercedes (13) Bench ” , but “MOTHER”.

Obviously, my car is a special one, but it (14) consists of things with which you (15) can’t be too familiar. Firstly, I have the best engine in the world. (16) That is mother’s HEART. It can be started whenever (17) in need because children are mothers’ (18) haunts forever. (19) Mother’ s heart can (20) start you, can support you, can spur you forward, (21) which is perpetual.

(22) Next to it, I have the best steering wheel. (23) That is mother’s MOUTH. When I am in a (24) mess, it always tells me the truth and guides me out of it; when I am lost, it always points out the right direction; when I am in the wrong, it always gives me the best (25) guidance.

Moreover, the wheels are extremely important. If a car has no wheels, how can it run? (26) Roll like a ball or slip like a train? Here, I have wheels which will never be broken. (27) That is mother’s BACK. Though it is not too strong, it can shift a mountain (28) on; though it is not too straight, it can straighten for me all the roads and streets. It (29) rolled and rolled, mother’s youth (30) was rolled away while my youth blossoms on mother’s back. The cab is also unique. (31) That is mother’s BOSOM. When I am tired, it always gives me the most (32) warmest embrace and comfort ; when lonely , it (33) can always be there to accompany me; when in desperation, it always gives me hope and courage to look forward. Indeed, it is the safest bay after (34) great storm and hurricane, it is the warmest place after severe coldness.

That is my car, priceless and unparalleled. Do I envy the ones driving a car? Yes. But that is temporary. (35) I receive the eternal envy for I deeply know my mother is the best one, the greatest one in the world in my eye. MOTHER is a word which means the world to me. I love my mother.

Joe's Comments

The writer has attempted a rather difficult comparison between the key parts of a car and her mother. She comes up with some very imaginative language, for example, when she writes that her "youth blossoms on mother's back" or when she describes her hair as a "long, black waterfall". Although there are few major mistakes in this composition, there are far too many small mistakes. The frequent mistakes in word usage and grammar leave the reader wondering which expressions are intentional (but awkward) attempts at creative writing and which are real mistakes.

Item (1) is a perfect example. With fewer mistakes, the writer may have been able to establish a creative mood, so that "a stretched, straight path" could be understood as a symbol, perhaps representing life. Instead, it stands by itself and simply appears strange. In item (2), it seems odd to use the word "playing" with birds. It gives the impression the birds are standing by the side of the road, not flying in the air. It seems the car is also not moving, so the people in the car can passively sit and watch the birds.

There are too many errors to give detailed comments on each, so I will only list brief corrections here:

(3) Flowers "bloom" rather than just "open".

(4) Specific details should be given, rather than the vague word "richly".

(5) It is not the "richly which", but the "flowers which" - word positioning is important!

(6) Good imagery, but there are many wasted words in this sentence. It could be shorter to make a stronger impact.

(7) Readers of an English essay may not all know Pu Shu. Some brief explanation should be given.

(8) Of course a carrier carries. We can drop the verb.

(9) This is not a complete English sentence. "This carrier is a car" would be more clear.

(10) Either "I desperately want" or "I am desperate to have" would be okay.

(11) This is a completely unnecessary phrase.

(12) "Whose" and "brand" do not fit together in this sentence.

(13) This is not a bench that you can sit on, it is a name, Benz.

(14) A car does not "consist" of things, but is made up of many parts. "Things" is also far too vague.

(15) An expression like "you can't be too..." has the meaning of "should". Does the writer mean we "should try to be more familiar" with her mother?

(16) Same as item (9).

(17) Whenever WHO is in need? It is not clear at all.

(18) "Haunt" sounds like a ghost! What a terrible mother!

(19) Is this "A mother's heart" or "My mother's heart"? The meaning will change depending on which one, but the reader is left to guess.

(20) If your mother "starts" you, then YOU are the car. Very confusing!

(21)"Forward" is not perpetual. To modify the verb "spur", use an adverb such as "perpetually".

(22) Next to what? The forward movement? The spurring action? In order to be clear, you must be specific.

(23) Same as item (9).

(24) "A mess" sounds unclean or untidy. I think the writer means something more serious, such as "trouble".

(25) The writer already used the verb guide. Find a different idea, rather than just a different form of a word.

(26) "Roll like a ball" sounds like a command. Should the reader try to roll like a ball? A complete sentence is needed here to be clear.

(27) Same as item (9).

(28) "Move mountains" is a well-known expression. There is no need for the word "on", which is just confusing.

(29) Does "it" mean the mountain, or the road the writer is on?

(30) "Was rolled away" leaves me wondering WHO rolled it away?

(31) Same as item (9).

(32) Of course, we do not need both "most" and "warmest". With a one-syllable word, use the "est" form.

(33) If we say "it can", then it's a possibility. However, I guess the writer wants to say it will ALWAYS be there.

(34) An article is missing - "after a great storm".

(35) We do not "receive" envy. Somebody feels envy or "is envious" of us.

This essay is a good attempt at practicing a difficult technique. However, if this is the finished composition, much more care needs to be taken in choosing words and grammatical expressions.

Joe's Revised Composition

I often dream of driving with my mother down a long, straight road, a road that stretches as far as the eye can see. Birds are joyously flittering around the car, singing. Flowers in splendorous full bloom decorate the landscape. The breeze is flirting with my mother's short gray hair, and with my long, black waterfall. It is a lovely dream, from which I never wish to wake. Many people in this world dream of having a car. I now realize that I have a car not only in my dream, but in reality. My car is the best car in the world. It is not a Lincoln, Audi or Mercedes Benz. I call my car "Mother".

It is clear that my car is a special one, but it includes several features with which you may not be familiar. To begin with, my car has the best engine in the world. This engine is my mother's heart. This engine never fails, because mothers never fail their children. My mother's heart supports me when I am in need and keeps me perpetually moving forward. To guide the engine, my car has an excellent steering wheel in the form of my mother's mouth. When I am in trouble, it always tells me the way out. When I am lost, this steering wheel turns me in the right direction. When I am wrong, it gently sets me right.

Of course, on a car, good tires are essential. Cars without tires cannot roll like a ball or ride rails like a train. Fortunately, my car has tires which can never be deflated. These tires are my mother's back. Though it is not exceptionally strong, it can move mountains. Though it is starting to curve with age, it straightens all the roads and streets of my life. As my mother's youth rolls away on aging tires, my youth blossoms on my mother's back.

The cab of my car is also unique. The cab is my mother's bosom. When I am tired, the cab of my car protects me in a warm and comfortable embrace. When I am lonely, it accompanies me wherever I go. When I feel desperate, it gives me hope and courage. My mother's cab is the safest harbor from a storm and the warmest place during a severe winter.

This is my car, priceless and unparelleled. Sometimes I envy those drivers who have their own car. But this feeling is temporary. On the other hand, others are eternally envious of me because I have the best car in the world. "Mother" is a word that means the world to me. I love my car, my mother.

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