Student Composition:
Cooperation: the spirit of temporary society
Today, many people think competition is the key to success, but such thinking is out of date. (1) Temporary society demands (2) us cooperate with others.
(3) As we all know, the world economy is expected to continue (4) to remain prosper, but the adverse effects of high oil price, vicious competition for strategic resources and the global pollution are on the rise. To overcome theses problems, countries must be mindful of all their relationships and act with integrity at all times. The fight against HIV/AIDS, poverty and terrorism requires the participation of as many parties as possible. The ability to build strong, collaborative relationships with other countries and areas will determine whether a nation evolves through time or is lost along the way.
Today, information and knowledge are growing to the extent that no individual can master everything. Cooperation (5) makes us learn a lot of from each other. Only by combining the knowledge of many individuals can power be attained. We individual will thrive on cooperative participation. Related to the diversity that we possess, none of us is whole. We need each other to fill in our gaps. Through cooperation we will acquire identity and friendship, which are the source of self-esteem and satisfaction in life.
In order to succeed, we should learn to be flexible, supportive, and be willing to compromise in (6) proper time. Each country and individual retains its independence, its specialty, and its core competence. Together we benefit from our cooperation.
Teacher Joe's Comments
The sentences in this composition are mostly very well written. Let's look at some small problems first:
(1) "Temporary" is something that is not permanent, in other words, something that will disappear soon. The correct word is "contemporary". which basically means "now".
(2) This should be "demand that we cooperate".
(3) Many students write or say things at the wrong time. Maybe it sounds impressive to write "As we all know". However, does everyone really know this? Personally, I am not so sure that the world economy will continue to prosper. There are many people who doubt that the current growth is sustainable. So, we do not "all know".
(4) Both "continue" and "remain" communicate the same basic idea. We can say that the economy will "continue to prosper" or the economy "will remain prosperous".
(5) It would be better to write "Cooperation allows us to learn". "Cooperation makes us" sounds a bit violent! If we want to emphasize that we learn against our will when cooperate, or we learn in spite of ourselves, then maybe we can write "Cooperation makes us". However, in this case we should provide specific examples to make our point clear.
(6) I am not sure what the writer means by "proper time". Perhaps the meaning is "when necessary". Specific examples would make the meaning clear, but in this case, without specific examples, the reader cannot guess the writer's intention.
In addition, there were a few tiny mistakes, such as "the global pollution", "theses problems", and "we individual". These mistakes did not get in the way of communication and do not deserve special attention. Try to eliminate such errors as much as possible, but pay more attention to successful communication first.
Besides grammatical errors or word choice, there are also some problems with the content of this composition. For one thing, the introduction is a bit too short. The main idea could be better developed. (See revised composition below.)
There are too many general sentences in this composition. The third paragraph, especially, would benefit from some specific examples to make it come to life. Sentences such as, "We individual will thrive on cooperative participation" and "Related to the diversity that we possess, none of us is whole" are not at all necessary. The same idea was expressed in the first sentence of the third paragraph and should not be repeated.
Finally, a strong conclusion can make the difference between a good composition and a great one. This concluding paragraph is just a repetition of ideas from previous paragraphs. Perhaps the writer could give us a vision for the future instead. (See revised composition below.)
Joe's Revised Composition
Cooperation: the spirit of contemporary society
Today, many people think competition is the key to success. They pursue their own personal goals with no regard for the people around them. I believe such thinking is out of date. I believe contemporary society, including society as a whole as well as individuals, demands that we cooperate with others. Real success will come when we grow together, rather than hold each other down.
The world economy is expected to remain prosperous, at least into the near future. However, the adverse effects of high oil prices, vicious competition for strategic resources and global pollution are on the rise. To overcome these problems, countries must be mindful of all their relationships and act with integrity at all times. The fight against problems such as AIDS, poverty and terrorism requires cooperation. Our own personal success is no different. In order to succeed, we must cooperate to solve problems.
Today, information and knowledge are growing to the extent that no individual can master everything. Cooperation allows us to learn from others. When we combine the knowledge of many, companies can innovate, human beings can be sent into space, diseases can be conquered. We need each other to fill in the gaps in our knowledge and understanding.
By being flexible, supportive and willing to compromise, we will have more success in our lives and careers. We can still retain our own independence, our unique natures, our core competencies, but through cooperation, we will expand our identities and develop stronger relationships. These are, after all, the source of self-esteem and satisfaction in life.
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